Missing

in response to this prompt

I am missing. Missing you, missing me, missing a mind that was stable and happy and didn’t make me stick my fingers down my throat or push objects into my arms.

I don’t know how I’m doing. God, I don’t even know who I am right now, I know my name, my address, the fact that I’ve just finished my first exam at university. But where is me? Where is the part of me that cares about things, where is the part of me that feels present in the moment, where is the part of me that seems to have dissipated into thin air? I wish I knew. 

I think things are slowly spiralling again. I inserted for the first time in a couple of months the other night and hid it from CAMHS. I managed to tell them about the purging but I need to hide this for just a little longer. Just a little more, I tell myself. 

When will it ever be enough?

Numbness

There’s so much inside me that I’m bottling up right now, I feel numb and empty and I’m dying to feel something. I’m utterly exhausted by the smallest thing and only managed a measly hour of study today which is eating me up. Another wasted day.

I just keep thinking and thinking and can’t seem to shut my brain off. It’s killing me, I’m making plans for overdoses, thinking about self harm, analysing every tiny aspect of my life and my thoughts and I wish I had someone to discuss it with. I know logically I have my nurse and psychologist but I just don’t know how to bring the subjects up, and it feels like it doesn’t matter enough to be talked about. 

Maybe I’ll make another post about some of the issues I’m thinking about, but right now, it all just feels too embarrassing and personal. It’s nearly 1am and I’m simply sitting staring at the tv, barely watching it, just staring and existing. I feel weak and pathetic and I’ve started purging again, but I can’t bring myself to care enough to stop. I want to cause damage, I want to be bad enough. I want to feel worthy, to feel validated and needed and important. How despicable. 

Anyway, that’s enough rambling from me, and time for sleep I think – if I can find the energy to move.