Visits and Plans

So it’s been a while since I last updated on here.

I met with my MHO (mental health officer) a while back and managed to speak to her about my attachment issues. Long story short, in two weeks’ time I’ll be going back to school with her to see my old guidance teacher!

I’m excited, nervous and downright terrified to do this. I’m not sure how I’ll react to seeing her, I’m not sure how I’ll be after saying goodbye for the last time. The idea of this visit is to give me closure, but I’m worried that things will escalate after seeing her as this is one of the only things I’m holding out for. 

I have plans for that week, bad plans, and preparations are in progress but I’ve faced the fact that it’s unlikely to do much damage. Still, my head convinces me that it’s worth a try. I wonder what a day of freedom would feel like, a day without making plans, a day with clean arms and being able to eat without obsessing over calories. I mean I weighed a muffin today, for Pete’s sake!

Whatever happens, I know I’ll most likely survive it. I have things to look forward to, university to attend, a birthday to be had. Things are tough but I’ll plod on in my unhappy existence, living for the moments that are marginally less dark. Is this all there is to life? If it is, I’m not sure I want to live it. 

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