I can’t do the fucking question. It’s not a big deal, it shouldn’t be a big deal but it is. It’s one question, not even one whole question out of six – and I only need to do four – but I still can’t do the fucking question.
I know it’s only one question, that it’s not a big deal, that if I can do the others I should be fine, but the problem is I’m not. I’m not fine, and not being able to do that one question represents so much to me – an inadequate grasp of the subject, my own stupidity, the list of reasons to hate myself simply grows.
My biology teacher’s words “don’t be too hard on yourself” ring in my ears, yet I cannot bring myself to stop fixating on it, cannot tear my thoughts away from “stupid” and “not good enough”. I’ll never be good enough for my standards, I know that much, but it still hurts.
This little question, question 5(c), is enough to be the last straw on this broken camel’s back. But maybe I’ll find a way around it. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll get my brain in gear and find the solution. But until then, and until the exam, I’ll just keep plodding on.