I didn’t think I would ever be putting trigger warnings on my blogs, but here’s one just in case.
Two nights of lying awake and thinking of what the most effective means of escape would be. A day of restlessness and the feeling that you will either explode or crumble at the slightest prod. Distraction and dissatisfaction and an overwhelming urge to scream, or cry, or run, or just something. Anything.
Should my mental alarm bells be ringing at this point? Are things ‘getting worse’? Is this where I ought to be picking up the phone saying that I can’t handle this? Is this ‘crisis’? Is this what they meant when they said ‘you know where to come when things get worse’, because what if it isn’t ‘worse’, or ‘worse enough’?
I tell myself that this isn’t bad enough yet to bother people with – if these new feelings don’t go away, that I’ll bring them up at my next appointment. It’s only a few more days, after all. Just over half a week. I tell myself that I can manage, that tomorrow I’ll be in a better state, these feelings never stay for long, anyway. I tell myself that I won’t do anything, and that may be the only grain of truth in my mental dialogue. Internally, I’m bad. Externally, I’m functioning.
That makes things worse, in a way, as it means that nobody else will pick up on this progression, and that means there’s nobody that can do anything about this but myself. I’ve been trapped within my own walls, and nobody else can let me out but myself. It is unfair of me to feel abandoned, being the one that chose to isolate myself and reject the hands being offered in the first place. I brought this on myself, and now I’m the one complaining? I tell myself that expecting people to care is ridiculous.
Something about being on edge all day and spending hours researching overdoses doesn’t exactly scream ‘sane’ or ‘safe’, but I was never particularly ‘sane’ or ‘safe’ before, was I? These feelings should go away, they always do. But does that really mean I should just sit it out and wait for things to get better? Does one bad day really call for action? Is one bad day really enough to be wasting people’s time? Do I even want to talk, anyway?
All I know is that these discussions with myself will never really halt, and that I had better just wait it out. Onward and upward it is. Be the person they think you are. Renew your visa and take a trip to the world of ‘fine’, if ‘okay’ feels like too much of a lie. The truth isn’t important, anyway.