So a few days ago, I had that day I had been dreading as soon as I got the letter about a month back. That letter being about my first CMHT appointment. For those that are unaware, CMHT stands for community mental health team – in other words, adult services.
I’ve been with CAMHS for what must be around 3-4 years now, and the thought of leaving what I’ve built there is terrifying. The attachments I’ve formed, the relationships I’ve worked so hard to create, all gone. The very thought makes me want to cut my heart out because it causes me so much pain. It’s fair to say I’ve been dreading this day because of what it signifies – the ending of something old and the start of something new.
My CAMHS nurse and my psychiatrist came to the appointment, so there wasn’t too much pressure on me to talk which was helpful, since it took me a good 20 minutes to calm down after bursting into tears before even entering the room (pathetic, I know). The psychiatrist seemed intelligent and kindhearted, everything I look for in a psych – I think we’ll get on. He’s appointing me a CPN and is seeing me in two weeks, a step down from my weekly CAMHS appointments but I guess I’ll have to get used to that. CAMHS are still seeing me for a handful of appointments before discharge – the D-word that I can hardly bear to say aloud right now – a prospect I haven’t even began to process. But I will, and it will be painful, yet I will have to get through.
I have my exams in less than two weeks, so I have to hold it together. Come on girl, you can do this, you have to. You don’t have a choice. Do it.